Thursday, January 3, 2013

Family Stability and Relationship Education Services: A Comment on Cherlin’s Critique

Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist studying families, published an opinion in Bloomberg on 12-25-12, entitled Do Unmarried Poor Have Bad Values or Bad Jobs?  In it, he writes several things I will comment on here.  In the piece, he says: 

“A large U.S. government-funded experiment to encourage low-income parents to marry, a legacy of the George W. Bush administration’s Healthy Marriage Initiative, has just fallen flat. Even if you were a skeptic all along of the wisdom of the government promoting marriage, as I was, this isn’t good news. For the children of these unmarried couples, it is bad news: It portends years of unstable, complicated home lives. The apparent failure of marriage promotion makes the task of finding other ways to help them even more urgent.”

To his point about family instability, I can only say, “Too right.” (Not as in too right or too left but as in very correct.) He covers various points about the costs of family instability to society in his piece, and he notes that children in the U.S. whose parents are married have far more likelihood of family stability than parents of children who cohabit. I have increasingly emphasized family instability because it is a very big deal (see my piece on The Perfect Storm).  As Cherlin writes in his piece, “I also am convinced that children do best in stable family environments and that repeated parental breakups and ‘repartnering’ can be harmful to them.” He is so “onboard” with understanding this societal issue that, before I take issue with his piece, I will first recommend his book, The Marriage-Go-Round (I will even link that to Amazon. Wish my critics would give links to books I’ve written or co-authored!). 

I am bothered by two points in Cherlin’s piece, and I want to give you the other side. 

First, Cherlin contextualizes the type of service being tested as “government promoting marriage.”  He gives a brief history of these efforts that were, over the past 10 years, particularly encouraged by the Bush administration. All such programs stemmed from the welfare reform law of 1996 in which President Clinton and the Republican congress followed through on Clinton’s campaign vow to end welfare as we knew it. Under the foundational principles of the welfare reform act of 1996, states were encouraged to try to increase the formation and stability of two parent families. Few states attempted anything of the like, and the Bush administration subsequently provided funding and grants to increase these efforts.  Some of these types of efforts have been continued under the Obama administration as well. And whatever else you may think of such efforts, I can tell you that a type of service that is historically simply not available to low income families became possible under such initiatives.  

I do not like seeing such efforts described as “promoting marriage.” Cherlin’s piece implies that many of the government supported efforts in this area, of the last decade, focused on the values of low income individuals about marriage. That’s not only not true about programs, it’s not true about the values people already hold. We’ve known well, and for well over a decade, that the very poor are less likely to marry for reasons other than not valuing marriage. In fact, they tend to value it more than others (for example, see Kathy Edin and Maria Kefalas’ book, Promises I Can Keep). 

Here’s my beef, and it’s a large burger with fries and a Coke.  I see this term “marriage promotion” fairly often in journal articles and policy discussions and I think it mischaracterizes what most of these efforts have been about. You would be hard pressed to find any substantial push on those receiving such services to go and get married, as if doing so would magically solve their problems in life. Cherlin rightly describes some of the services (though a bit narrowly I think) as ‘“relationship skills” programs to improve communication, avoid conflict and build trust.’ Such services are not generally new—though there is much new in the services devised to meet the needs of the economically disadvantaged. 

Cherlin goes on to emphasize the interplay between the economy, structural changes in the job market, and the current level of family instability and non-marriage among the economically disadvantaged. These are important, valid points. For an excellent piece on this theme from earlier this year, see the article in the New York Times by Jason DeParle, entitled Two Classes, Divided by ‘I Do’ (also, see earlier blog entry I wrote on this point.)

Economics, relationship quality, and relationship commitment all play dramatic roles in what is unfolding in understanding family instability. And do not forget what I keep coming back to. One of the main reasons why children of unmarried couples, especially those at lower incomes, are much more likely to experience family instability is not that their biological parents are worse parents than marrieds—unmarried couples are simply far less likely to be having a child in the context of an already settled, mutual commitment to the future. The important policy matter is that these couples are much more vulnerable, on average, than other couples.

My second point has to do with the findings of the large, federally funded study that Cherlin discusses. See his piece for more details. The study is called The Building Strong Families Study (BSF).  What Cherlin describes is quite accurate; what he leaves out is too important to have been left out. 

First off, I should point out that this large study (BSF) tested one of the most expensive models of the recent government efforts, and with a particularly challenging population: couples having a child who are economically disadvantaged and who are not married. The rate of family instability for these groups is very high. Here is what is not mentioned in Cherlin’s piece that I think is worth you knowing about.  

This large study included 8 sites, nationally. In only one of these 8 sites did most couple receive any substantial amount of the planned services. In Oklahoma’s Family Expectations Program, a combination of cutting-edge efforts to reduce barriers to participation, reinforcements for attending, and quality of the services led to exceptional attendance. Attendance was dismal across the rest of the sites. And, if you follow any media and opinion pieces on this study (and related issues), you are almost always only being told about the findings averaged across the sites. Only the Oklahoma site had solid results on many dimensions of relationship quality at the 15 months assessment. 

As for the past and recent (3 years out) outcomes, As Cherlin notes in his piece, “Only the Oklahoma site showed some positive effects.” But what is not mentioned is that the Oklahoma site was the only one where there was a statistically significant impact on an important outcome at the 3 year point: in the program group, 49% of the families had lived together continuously since the birth of the child whereas, for the control group, 41% of the families had remained together in this way.

What were we talking about here? Oh yes, family instability. 

I need to explain this, as you might think that 49% compared to 41% does not sound like much of a big deal. That difference in 8 percentage points at three years out amounts to a 20% increase in the likelihood of these families continuously living together if they were in the program group.  And this is a finding on a core measure of family wellbeing (stability). It also reflects something that is rare in large, rigorous studies of government programs. What’s rare? The fact that this impact is statistically significant, it is large, and it is relevant.  You might think this happens all the time in studies of government programs, but I am using the word “rare” deliberately, here. There is an almost unbelievably weak record of lasting impacts in studies of most government supported programs to achieve specific effects. Take jobs training as just one example. The record of effectiveness is quite poor; and I do not mean, by this, to argue against such services.  The dismal evidence means that such programs need to be made more effective than they now are—if possible. [Want to check me out on this? Start here, in this fairly recent GAO report. Try searching for the paragraph that begins with “Little is known” and read that and go from there in your studying of evidence in government programs, if you like. There is no shortage of information on the internet.]

Now, back to this 8% difference in family stability. This finding suggests that if you put 1000 low income, unmarried couples through this program, 80 families (80 two parent families) will be together three years later that otherwise would not have been. As Cherlin notes, this particular type of program is expensive, averaging $11,000 per couple. Much of the services initiated in the past 10 years or as part of the federal initiatives cost far less. Further, these more expensive programs could very likely come down in cost through further testing and refinement. Even if that cost remained that high, consider this math that assumes no improvements in cost efficiencies: 1000 couples treated times $ 11,000 equals total program cost. Divide that product by the 80 families still together who otherwise would not be. That means it cost $ 137,500.00 per family for that stability (and this assumes no other benefits to anyone). That sounds like an awful lot of money, but you don’t have to have be around government family policy discussions very long to suspect that the impacts of early family instability for children have lifetime costs to society well exceeding that amount. And that can be considered a starting point to work from, not the end of that adventure in government policy and programs.  

So, what’s my point? It’s twofold.  Many of the efforts of the last 10 years to increase family stability (and, yes, in marriage where possible) have been routinely mischaracterized. Whatever else is true or not, one of the things that happened these past 10 years is that a type of service usually not remotely available to low income couples became more widely available to them. And there is body of evidence that such strategies are generally effective (click here for more information). In this particular, large government study just reaching the 3 year point (BSF), there was an unusual, statistically significant, long-term result on one of the most important outcomes in this field—and within the only site that got a substantial number of couples into the intervention. I am far from Pollyannaish about all this, but this is worth thinking more about. You are not going to see this point made in most reports on the study because, like as Andrew Cherlin admirably confessed about his own views in his piece, most family policy experts have been skeptics of such efforts. There is something to build on in these findings. 




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Disclaimer:  I try to be very above board, so here is my disclaimer. You should know that my colleague Howard Markman and I developed a program for couples called PREP which was adapted by Pam Jordan (Becoming Parents), and that was a core part of the total program delivered in Oklahoma. I receive income from PREP. Further, I have been a long-time adviser for the efforts in Oklahoma. Like Andrew Cherlin, I am pretty skeptical of many things in my field. But I clearly see this area of work  as the “glass half full” and not the “glass all empty.” But do not take the word of either of us.  You can check any of these assertions for yourself in numerous reports and pieces on the web. But please set your expectations to start with by looking for compelling evidence of lasting impact for most government programs. Otherwise, you can too easily have an unfair standard of comparison for programs such as the one this piece focuses on.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Divorce. Is the answer shorter time commitments in marriage?


My colleague Howard Markman came across this piece in the New York Times from September: Till Death, or 20 Years, Do Us Part. The piece begins noting the urban legend that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a five-year contract on their marriage. Beyond that, the article is interesting for quoting from a number of scholars who study families as the author grapples with the feasibility of life-long marriages. The hook is the idea that people might be better off committing to a shorter time commitments in marriage than life.

I wrote about the idea of two-year marriage licenses last year (you can find that entry here). In this more recent New York Times piece, the discussion is serious even if the possibility of the idea becoming popular is low. At least, I think the possibility is low because, no matter what else is true, people really do want lifelong love—it’s just the getting there that is the difficult part.

A truly large number of people who marry will divorce (currently projected at around 40 to 45% or so).  The NYTs piece also notes the work of sociologist Susan Brown at Bowling Green State University who finds that the divorce rate is taking off among those 50 and up. We are living longer and longer, with the question being asked by many as to if it’s really possible to be compatible with someone for that long.

Reforming the nature of the commitment, some argue, might destigmatize divorce and reduce its negative impacts.

Robert Emery is a psychologist and family researcher who studies the impact of divorce on children.  He makes a great observation about commitment in the piece in the Times. To quote: “Dr. Emery favors a candid, apolitical reckoning: an acknowledgment that marriage is not a sexfest with a flawless best friend but something that takes enormous investment. And that can pay off. Lifelong coupling, he says, bestows great benefits, including longer lives for men (“They’re being nagged by a partner with selfish interest in their long-term health”).”

Emery is right on point about the potential benefit of committing to the whole nine yards. But he and many others quoted in the article are also grappling with the reality that many people become disillusioned in their marriages, and dissolution is a prime cause of, well, dissolution. Ironically, this is perhaps the greatest reason that time-limited marital commitments are not all that likely to catch on in a big way. People want the illusion.  But not all who desire the illusion understand the role of the enormous investment Emery talks about. The illusion without the investment is delusion.

As a society, the much bigger issue going on while we talk about the fragility of marriage is the growing trend toward non-marriage.  Increasingly, couples are not only not committing for life, they are not committing for even a few years. This has very important social consequences, particularly as more and more couples who have not vetted commitment together have children. It's not hard to have children. It's a lot harder to raise children together, and what's hard with commitment is crazy impossible without it. I’ve suggested these trends toward childbearing in low commitment contexts are setting our society up for a "perfect storm."  I could be wrong. But I'd bet I’m not.

Ironically, while I’d not advocate for adjustable term marriages, I can see one advantage of the practice. I will quote from my earlier piece about the proposal in Mexico for 2 year renewable marriages that came up last year.

Imagine a couple we’ll call Lucy and Ricky. They are planning their wedding. Their wedding is a week or two away and it’s time to go down to the town hall and get their wedding license. They get to the desk and talk to the clerk and ask for a license. The clerk says, “no problem. Just fill out this form and give me a check for the fee.” The clerk points to a section in the middle of the form and says, “Also, you have to check one of these boxes, here, to indicate if you want the renewable-term marriage or not, and if you do, what term you are choosing.”

Lucy starts to fill out the card, and she gets to the term election section. She starts to mark the “non-renewing” box (which, ironically, means perpetually renewing), and Ricky says, “hold on a second. Let’s talk about if we should go for a 5 year or 2 year term. That’s an interesting idea and there must be some advantages.”

Ricky and Lucy are now going to have a special moment. Let’s call it a somewhat late stage DTR. (Define the relationship.) As you might imagine, in their case, it becomes their last serious conversation about a future together.

There are many situations that turn out terribly in marriages for one or both partners. For some, there was not a realistic way to see that coming. For others, the pathway that ends so painfully started with poor decisions at the start of the relationship in terms of things like how quickly one or both partners got on the path that was not wise in terms of making a good match as partners. In fact, as I’ve often noted, it’s not so often poor decisions as it is transitions without decisions--transitions that make it harder to go back up the path and make a different choice. Having serious talks between two individuals who have become attracted, at key moments, can increase the odds that each individual will end up with a mate where the type of life-long investment Emery noted is not crazy. The DTR concept can be applied at many transition points; it does not have to pertain to merely talking early on about if a relationship is really forming.

If you are not married and want to be, your best bet isn’t going to be a short-term marriage contract. (And I've never--yet--met someone at that stage of a relationship who seriously wants to think short-term.) Your best bet will be based on being careful about who you select in a mate. Compared to the paths people are increasingly likely to take, this means going slower, sliding less, and having a few DTRs about the big things, such as life goals about children and careers or where to live and world views and beliefs. You can talk to this other person about such things, and if talking about such things threatens to wreck the relationship, the odds probably were not so great that it was going to go the distance in the first place.  I'm not talking about killing love and attraction, I'm talking about defining the type of future you want to have, and seeing if you are on the same page about it.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Does Television Romance Buzz Kill Commitment in Marriage?

I came across a really fascinating study last week. Usually, I see all sorts of interesting studies and they roll across my desk and off it onto the floor. This creates quite a mess of research—and research can be quite messy as is. Anyway, I most often just take in the headline or the summary, but I don’t have or take the time to read further. Not this one. I wanted to read more.

Jeremy Osborn is a researcher in Communication Studies at Albion College in Michigan. He just published this study that’s gotten a lot of buzz across the internet, and it’s entitled: When TV and Marriage Meet: A Social Exchange Analysis of the Impact of Television Viewing on Marital Satisfaction and Commitment.  You can get a very nice summary of it here, and you can sample some of the media around it here.

The headline is this: People who consume more television, and especially if they believe in the romantic portrayals on TV, tend to have weaker commitment dynamics in their marriages. People believing more strongly in the portrayals of romantic themes also reported being less dedicated to their partners and rated their sense of the quality of alternatives to their present relationship as higher. The amount of TV one viewed was not nearly as related to marital commitment as the degree of belief about the romantic themes. One aspect of commitment measured here is what I call dedication, which reflects one’s sense that he or she wants to be with the partner, is more willing to invest in having a future together, sees the relationship more as an “us” than me/you, and would tend to protect that relationship when attracted to others.

Osborn also measured the quality of alternatives, which speaks to a very basic issue in commitment theory—that one is constrained to be more committed with their present partner if their perceptions of the alternatives suggest that the alternatives are less good. In other words, if you think you have pretty high quality alternatives, and you get pretty unhappy with your mate, you may just be more likely to bolt because you believe that you could get a better deal elsewhere. That may or may not be true, as many people find out to their surprise, but as a constraint, the perception of how good your alternatives are initially will trump the reality around if you were to act on being unhappy.

So, people who watch more TV and tend to believe in what they see about romantic relationships are likely to have weaker dedication commitment to their partners and are more likely to think they can do better, or at least, not so bad, if they were to leave.

What about unhappiness itself? Well, Osborn found that these television patterns were not related to marital satisfaction. That’s really kind of interesting, and this is one of the things that is very nice about Osborn’s study. He looked at both commitment variables and things like marital satisfaction, and the TV viewing impacts appear to be more linked to commitment than satisfaction.  Had he not looked at commitment, his reported finding would be, for the most part, that the TV viewing and beliefs had little impact on marriage when they might be having a serious impact on commitment within marriages. 

Caveat time: As Osborn notes, his study is cross-sectional, and some of the most interesting questions here are chicken and egg. No yoke. He can’t really tease out if people who are more likely to believe unrealistic romantic themes are simply more drawn already to such things on TV, and also more likely to have trouble making commitments because they are just people who tilt romantic and have more trouble committing to one partner without keeping an eye on how much better it might be with someone else. Very likely, the stuff cuts both ways. And, of course, TV is always serving up the notion (whichever way you want to think, causally here), that there’s something better out there than what you have now. Just think cell phones for a minute. Wait, I’m behind the times.  Smart Phones. (By the way, one can have a super smart phone and still be pretty dense in love and relationships.)

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Inertia Created by Your Past Self Can Impact Options for Your Future Self

One of the ways in which our present self makes poor decisions that our future self has to live with is in the area of cohabitation.  And it’s often not really even “decisions” that we’re talking about. Our present self often slides into things that our future self will have to make hard, careful decisions about in order to make life work.

So, cohabitation is one of those areas where people sometimes get themselves stuck in a place that is not so great and that their future self will have to cope with; by that I mean either to work hard to unravel things or to make a difficult situation work out.  Does it turn out this way, difficult, all the time? Surely not. But some of the time, the nature and timing and “who” of cohabitation is one of the big ways that one’s current self does things that the future self may not be so happy about. Read on a bit more for a great link based on a key idea coming from our work on this subject.

Starting in the late 1990s, I started speaking in various public talks about a potential, large downside to cohabiting prior to marriage for at least some significant number of folks.  The key idea was that cohabitation has more inertia than dating without cohabiting and cohabitation essentially—maybe for way too many couples—makes it harder to break up before you’ve really decided you are sure of a future together. 

Galena Rhoades and I have been published a stream of studies on inertia and other aspects of the ways that commitment develops (or fails to) in relationships that can last a long time, regardless.  
There is a great column today capturing this idea of inertia, and since I’ve been too busy recently to write another entry here, I thought I’d direct your attention to it.  It’s very smart and well stated stuff. (Thanks for the heads up, Bill C.!)

Washington Post Column by Carolyn Hax

If you want to recap my favorite blog entry ever on the subject of inertia, it’s this one about the inertia of tech platforms and how similar that is to relationships.  I enjoyed this one a lot.

My blog on inertia and technology--applied to romantic relationships

And lastly, for those of you who want to read a summary of our studies in this area and on the general theme of commitment dynamics in developing romantic relationships short of marriage, see the paper at this link if you like.


Be kind to your future self, now!

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Thursday, August 23, 2012

Will Your Future Self Be Happy with Your Present Self?

In his wonderful book, Stumbling on Happiness, Daniel Gilbert describes many fascinating experiments that show the fickleness of humans.  If you are one, read on!  Daniel Gilbert is a social psychologist at Harvard and he specializes in studying emotion and pleasure (and, he’s stumbled onto happiness as well.  Link to his site at Harvard.). 

One of the experiments that he loves to talk about was conducted by Ratner, Kahn, and Kahneman, and was published in 1999, with the title “Choosing Less-Preferred Experiences for the Sake of Variety.”  That’s one example Gilbert uses of a series of studies that basically show this fact (using Gilbert’s brilliant way of putting it):  Your present self very often makes decisions that your present self thinks your future self will appreciate that, when the time comes, will not be appreciated by your future self. 

Some of you are already thinking, “tell me about it. I’ve got quite a story for you on this one, buddy!”  Well, my name is Scott, not Stacey or Buddy (Ting Tings time), but yes, I do bet some of you are thinking right now that you have lived this story too well.

Thanks to tattoofailure.com


Here’s the simple type research finding.  Gilbert has a flair for presenting this type of stuff, so I’ll use his type of example.  You win 12 meals, once a month, at your favorite restaurant in town. The catch is that the restaurant owner asks you to pre-order your 12 meals, so she can feature in you winning this prize in ads and flyers, and show off the wisdom of your selections.  Gilbert focused his example on the entree but allow me to focus on dessert.  It’s a gift. After you have chosen the other aspects of your menu for the coming year, you focus in on the dessert.  This restaurant is eclectic, and they offer a variety.  Among the items offered is some chocolate-lava-cake-thing with the word “decadence” in the name.  Just sayin. They also offer tiramisu, apple crumb cake, blueberry cobbler, cherries jubilee (flame on!), chocolate mousse, and something called “dessert cheeses with fruit.”  Oh, they also have some world famous bread pudding.  You know you love chocolate but you have heard that all the desserts are amazing. Quality will not be the issue.  

What’s the average current self to choose? In a word, he or she tends to choose variety in this context. You can contrive this scenario various ways if you are a social psychologist, but the basic point is that people tend to think their future selves should eat healthier than they actually will want to, and that their future selves will appreciate variety.  In my case, on any given night, among those choices, I’d want the chocolate lava cake. Hands down (on fork and spoon). I’d take that if it were served to me virtually any night of the week, and I’d gain a lot of weight. This is especially true for me if the chef has serious chocolate skills and knows how not to mess up chocolate.  While it mystifies me and my wife, we do know some dessert chefs have an amazing ability to produce brown desserts that have the word “chocolate” in their title that blow the whole chocolate concept.  Really, that’s quite sad.  Every bit of chocolate ever made should have a fulfilled future for it’s own future self—from a little bean to a dessert going into your mouth.

from ReadySetEat


Back to my winning this prize; somehow, in writing down my 12 meals for the ensuing 12 months, I only pick the lava cake 4 times, and, even more remarkably, that cheese and fruit thing shows up in my order 3 times.  Three times! Seriously, Scott? My present self tends to think my future self will be happy to be eating more healthy food from time to time, and at least the fruit part sounds healthy (it’s still all sugar and fat, but let’s move on).  Turns out, every time I come in for my meals in the coming year, and it’s dessert time—EVERY TIME—my future self who shows up wants the chocolate lava cake.  Every meal ends with this depressing sense that “I could have had the lava cake.” I learn that I always have with me, my inner self, who is the same one who most often comes out of Seven Eleven with Hostess Chocolate CupCakes.  (Side point: These are nearly as good as any pastry chef is going to ever come up with. Again, just sayin.) 

The lesson as Gilbert puts it so well is that our present self is always making decisions for our future self—decisions that our future self will have to live with. Worse, our present self is often just so sure what our future self is going to be happy about. This is why Gilbert’s very seriously excellent research in this area is called “affective forecasting.” He studies how good we are at predicting what will make our future self happy. It’s a big deal.   

Let’s imagine some things our present self could get wrong, in writing checks our future self might not be happy to be cashing:

- a major in college

- a career path

- a choice in a partner (for example, being convinced that one always likes being with a thrill-seeker cause it’s been so fun on occasion)

- a tattoo 

I’m not just talking about garden variety regrets and consequences, but I think it’s especially interesting to think about how your future self will like what your present self has chosen for you—and also, how your future self is going to feel about ways in life that your present self is, right now, letting something slide that is going to turn out to life altering experience that carries with it substantial negative feelings. 

Chew on that for a bit and next time, I’ll have more specific thoughts about partner choices.

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Monday, August 13, 2012

Who Benefits from Relationship Education? Notes from my Plenary Address at NARME


This is one of those entries that will be of more interest to a specific subgroup of those who follow this blog.  It’s about findings and some controversies in the field of couple relationship education (CRE; also often called marriage and relationship education).  For the rest of you, I promise something fun later next week.

In July, I gave a plenary address at the National Association of Relationship and Marriage Education annual conference in Baltimore.  I had two goals in this talk. 

Goal #1:  My first goal was to present an update of findings from our study of CRE delivered to US Army couples by chaplains.  Some of those findings have already been published but I also presented the findings from the most recent analyses that will go into journal reports we are writing at this time.  My co-investigators in this work are Elizabeth Allen, Howard Markman, & Galena Rhoades, and the study is funded by The Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD). 

Goal #2: My second goal was to address some issues raised in recent discussions about the impact of CRE. I do this by covering some specific findings from three large samples (including the Army study) as well as meta-analyses of an array of studies.  If you are interested in the debates about the government efforts in the past decade that funded some community efforts that used CRE, I cover some of the important issues in my talk.  



I’ll try for something edgy on dating and mating in a week and a half or so!

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Friday, August 3, 2012

Buying a Wedding or Buying Into Marriage: The Hokey-Pokey Grail


A colleague of mine noticed this upcoming convention for those in the wedding industry, called WeddingMBA, held in, you might have guessed, Las Vegas.  (Thank you Jennifer A.)  The line up of seminars is pretty interesting to look over.  Many topics are not surprising given that this is the business these folks are in, after all. The seminar line up includes some of these titles that stood out to me as pretty good [the comments in brackets are my editorials]:

- White Hot! - Bridal Trends You Need To Know [Pretty good title, really.]
- The Wedding Revolution - Join One...Start One [Perhaps these folks are onto the decline in marriage.  We could use some type of revolution and it sure would be good for planners’ businesses!]
- Mystique of the High-End Bride - Illusion vs Reality [I wonder if the mystique is that she’ like other brides, only richer.]
- Train Wreck Weddings - What To Do When Everything Goes Wrong [If you think about all the pressure on big weddings these days, I would certainly think that this business could get pretty stressful.]
- Make Her Love You - Creating an Exceptional Experience for Your Bride [Not really a bad concept for those in this business.  It’s what you need to get word of mouth, right?]

My colleague (Jennifer A.) would like to see something different, perhaps entitled more like this: “Help them love each other—through Thick and Thin.” Of course, these are wedding planners and others in the wedding industry, so they can be excused for their focus. But this focus does match our culture: more attention to weddings and divorces but not so much about marriages succeeding. It is rather difficult to make the latter into news, but the former? In just the past year, think of news related to Brad and Angelina planning to get married, or to Kim K. and TomKat. Stability doesn’t really get headlines.

Does buying a huge wedding (with the planner and the whole 9 yards) really make for a stronger marriage? The difficulty comes in with the other 70 or 80 yards.  Ironically, lavish weddings may well help some couples at the margins. This is kind of sad because buying into a huge wedding is not the same as buying into your relationship. I mean deciding that you are all in and that you will invest yourself in this thing of building a life together.

Why might huge, expensive weddings help some couples? Back to my last post from my dissertation. (I know those of you who have not read my dissertation for 25 years or more are enjoying this walk down Nostalgia Lane. What? You have not read it? Oh my.) How does that section relate? Simple. In this day and age, marriage is increasingly something the well-off do and those in poverty or at lower incomes dream about achieving one day. To be sure, most people in most income groups do get married but the trends are rapidly changing to where this is becoming an ever growing part of the economic divide.  (See two posts ago for that!) There is a steady erosion of marriage happening among those without college educations and who have poorer economic opportunities. However, in case you do not realize this, less marriage does not mean less interest in marriage among those who live in poverty.  It’s been well known for a long time that those in poverty have the highest ideals about marriage even if they are less able to realize them.  I gave a keynote address on this very point in 2006, and scholars such as Kathryn Edin, Maria Kefalas, and David Fein wrote powerfully on this in the early 2000s. The data are striking. Difficulty accessing or succeeding at something does not equate to disinterest. Those who I know well, who have been working with lower income groups to help them with their own relationship aspirations, have understood this for a long time.  There are a lot of barriers to marriage and marriages working for those with a lack of resources. But that's for another time.  Back to the main trail for today on expensive, lavish weddings and the whole industry that exists to this end.

In other words, back to the wedding industry and those with the means to party. A decade or two ago, I noticed what seemed a trend toward very expensive, lavish weddings. I cannot prove that this trend actually exists, but it feels right. I do not mean that it’s something right that feels good.  I mean it’s something that makes sense; it can be predicted from good theory and research. It fits the story in our culture of people still wanting marriage but feeling increasingly unsure about it and their own likelihood of succeeding at it. This produces all sort of other behaviors, in addition—behaviors that many people presume gives them a better chance that do not seem to actually help accomplish that goal (like cohabiting before marriage or engagement).

Based on consistency theory and cognitive dissonance, people feel an internal press or force to be consistent with their public pronouncements and prior behavior. While some politicians seem exempt from this internal pressure, research clearly shows this dynamic works within most people. Way too many, but certainly not all, politicians seem to be outliars. (For those of you who love grammar, let’s just say my spelling of that last word was sic.)

Consistency theory is one explanation for what we now see—the apparent trend toward lavish wedding spectacles.  Money, prestige, imagery.  Everything done perfectly and in front of many witnesses. What does a lavish wedding and large party buy a couple? The prediction from decades ago is right in front of us. If you spend that much and make this statement in front of many people, you must really mean it.  Right? You should feel a lot of internal pressure to follow-through.  In a culture where marriage is increasingly something the affluent do relative to other groups, yet something people feel anxious about, this trend toward bigger, larger, and more audacious weddings will continue.  It’s as if people are attempting to buy one more type of insurance for their marriage.  This standard has an unfortunate downside additional to the obvious one of placing more emphasis on the wedding than the relationship. It places bar ever higher for those who feel especially vulnerable about marriage working out—those who have very little resources.

Buying a wedding and buying into one’s marriage are two different things. The former might help some couples a tad but the latter is essential for all couples who are going to make it. For most people (and children), that’s the Hokey-Pokey holy grail.  One needs to put both the right and the left foot in.  Maybe we have to turn ourselves around, because that’s what it’s all about.

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