 |
| BigStockPhotos |
What can couples do to avoid divorce? Hundreds of books,
articles, workshops, and lectures have tackled that question. If there were a
surefire way to “divorce-proof” a marriage, we would have found it by now. It
doesn't exist. But there are some things married couples can do to minimize
their risk of divorce.
Before I get to advice, I want to make three points clear.
First, if your relationship is dangerous, focus on safety. My advice below is
not designed for violent or abusive relationships. If you are in a dangerous
relationship, get help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233, and in most areas there are also
local groups you can contact.
Second, don’t confuse having risk factors for divorce, like
the ones I documented in my
last post, with being certain to divorce. I will tell you a well-kept
secret. Experts aren’t good at predicting the likelihood that a specific couple
will divorce. Researchers are good at finding variables that are associated
with risk in samples of people, but we are not good at predicting the future of
a given couple. Higher risk is higher risk but it’s not destiny. Nor is lower
risk.
Third, people who are truly at very low risk for divorce shouldn't
worry about it. If you and your spouse get along well, manage issues with
respect, feel connected, and you are confident of a mutually high level of
dedication, relax. Your risk is probably very low. Sure, things can go wrong
and strain your relationship in ways no one foresees in the present. But if you
seem to have a great marriage, you probably do. Just protect it and live your
life.
What You Can Do to
Avoid Divorce
There are two categories of advice below: To individuals and
to couples. Spouses often have different opinions of the strengths and
happiness of their marriages. Even if you have concerns, your partner may not.
Further, you might realize that your partner is not interested in even talking
about it. Hence, you might need to focus on what you can do and not what the
two of you can do—at least for now. That leads me to a word of caution: Unless
you have serious concerns, don’t make your efforts to strengthen your marriage something
that undermines it. If your mate is not interested in doing something different
right now, don’t blow that up into a big deal unless there really is a big problem.
As you will note, I have more advice below for couples than
to individuals. The reason is that I think it’s harder to navigate what you may
try, together, than what you can do on your own.
Just To You
1. Do your part. There
is a lot an individual can do to strengthen a marriage. As my colleagues and I say
in all our resources, “Do your part.” I won’t list a bunch of ideas here
because there’s not really enough space and that’s what good books and resources are for. But if you are concerned about your marriage, the sooner
you start to turn things around within yourself, the better. There are plenty
of ideas one person can pursue as an individual to keep a marriage on track. If
you want to read about one of my favorite strategies for one person to act on, check this out.
To Both of You
If you are both willing to make changes, these ideas are for
you.
2. Talk. Sit down
and talk together about strengthening your marriage. Rather than trying to dig
into deeper issues or past hurts, I’d focus on positive steps you could take as
a couple to stay on the best path. I am certainly not against deeper talks
about issues and history, but the better strategy for most couples is to focus
on what you want to try, now, together, to boost and protect your marriage. If
talking about how to nudge your relationship forward works well for the two of
you, you could sit down and talk once a month about how to stay on course. If you
have difficulty with conflict or there are deeper struggles where you do need
to take things deeper, see some of the upcoming ideas.
3. Read a good book (on marriage). Read a book or two on marriage and try out some ideas. Don’t try
to do a lot of things. Just find an idea or two that you both like and pursue
those. Do something; don’t try to do everything.
4. Boost fun and friendship.
People get busy, life gets strained, and spouses get distant. My colleague
Howard Markman has always emphasized how important it is to keep fun and
friendship alive in a relationship. You can make that happen by following this
simple advice that is in all of our books (e.g., here
and here):
1) Make time for doing enjoyable things together. 2) Protect those times from
conflict. For example, suppose you have carved out some time for going out on a
date or taking a walk together. Have an understanding between you that issues
and problems are off-limits during those times. Deal with issues in some other
time and place and don’t let hassles intrude on your opportunity to relax and
be together.
5. Consider a
relationship education workshop. Such workshops are widely available in some
parts of the country. Some may be offered by religious organizations and others
may be offered by community groups (who might have government funding to
provide such services for free). Also, some relationship experts regularly do
workshops for couples, for a fee. Search the web and ask around to see if
anything is available in your area.
6. If conflict runs high…
Learn to get it under control. If you need to, get help in how to manage issues
more constructively. If you have children, this advice goes double. Children
are negatively affected by exposure to conflict between their parents.[i]
Don’t fool yourself by saying you are “keeping it real” in front of the kids.
Bunk. Sure, if you handle issues extremely well as a couple (e.g., with great
listening, respect, and resolution), that may be good for children to see. But,
in general, conflict between parents—especially with escalation and
invalidation—is bad for children to be around. And it’s not great for you,
either.
One strategy to keep a lid on things is to learn to take
time-outs as a couple. We talk about how in our books, but here’s the skinny.
Agree on a signal that you will both honor when things are getting heated. I
mean a word or a sign that means to both of you, “let’s cool it, now.” Agree
that when either of you signal for a time-out, you’ll both do your best to honor
it. Taking a time-out doesn't mean avoiding dealing with something important.
It just means deciding not to slide (further) into nastiness in the moment.
Some couples find it useful to agree on a typical amount of time to cool it
before talking again about whatever lit things up. This type of time-out is not
like what you use with a young child. Neither of you are putting the other in
the corner. This type of time-out is like a sports team that’s losing control
of the game and needs to take a break and get its act together.
7. Don’t shout “fire”
in a crowded theater. I’m not talking about flicks and popcorn. Rather, don’t
threaten divorce in the heat of frustrating arguments. I think a lot of couples
say things that should not be said because they are in the heat of battle: “Why
did we ever marry?” “Should we just split up?” “Why don’t you just move out if
you feel that way?” Sensitive questions to bring you closer together, right? If
you do that and you want your marriage to work, stop it. You cannot nurture the
desire to invest in your future if you keep reminding each other that there might
not be one. Don’t talk about divorce unless you really mean to talk about
divorce. Again, learn to take a time-out.
8. Get professional help.
Obviously, some people become deeply unhappy in their marriages. Yet one report
I was involved with presented findings showing that many people who report
being unhappy at one point but remain married rebound to a much better place
within a few years.[ii] In
another study I helped author, 34 percent of married respondents reported that,
at some point in the past, they thought their marriage was in serious trouble
and considered divorce. Of these folks, 92 percent reported that they were glad
they were still together.[iii]
On the other hand, some experts argue (from data) that those who become deeply
maritally distressed are unlikely to get better on their own.[iv]
If you have sunk into chronic unhappiness in your marriage, think about getting
help.
Most couples in serious trouble wait far too long to get professional
help. If both of you know something is seriously amiss, seek help now. When
both partners are motivated, a lot of good things can result from seeing a
skilled counselor. If you want to pursue this, ask friends, clergy, or your
doctor for recommendations. And if you do see someone, plan to talk together (just
the two of you) after a couple of sessions about whether you think the person you
are seeing can help the two of you. If not, try someone else. Not all
counselors are right for all couples.
Hope
A few married couples almost never have any downs—only ups.
But most couples with very good marriages have ups and downs. That’s normal. One
of the most important things you can do to avoid divorce is to hold reasonable
expectations. You didn't marry someone who is perfect (only your mate
did—smile). Expect joy and strains, maddening moments and laughter. Expect a
real life.
Disclosure: I am
co-author of two books I referenced here, and I am a partner in the company
that publishes the online intervention, ePREP, that is linked in the resource list noted above. Since helping people improve their odds in marriage is my area of
specialty, it seemed unwise to avoid recommending anything that my colleagues
(such as Howard Markman) and I are associated with.
[i]
Cummings, E. M., and Davies, P. (1994). Children
and marital conflict. New York: Guilford.; Grych, J., & Fincham, F.
(1990). Marital conflict and children's adjustment. Psychological Bulletin, 108, 267-290.
[ii]
Waite, L. J., Browning, D., Doherty, W. J., Gallagher, M., Lou, Y., and Stanley, S. M. (2002). Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a study of unhappy marriages. New York: Institute for American Values.
[iii]
Johnson, C. A., Stanley, S. M., Glenn, N. D., Amato, P. A., Nock, S. L.,
Markman, H. J., and Dion, M. R.
(2002). Marriage in Oklahoma: 2001 baseline statewide survey on marriage and divorce (S02096 OKDHS).
Oklahoma City, OK: Oklahoma Department of Human Services.
[iv]
Beach, S. R. H., and Fincham, F. D. (2003).
Spontaneousremission of marital discord: A simmering debate with profound implications for Family Psychology. The Family Psychologist, 19, 11-13.
