Correctly “reading” the signs of
commitment in a potential long-term partner/mate is crucial. This is most
important earlier on, of course, prior to “settling down” with someone, particularly
when one partner wants to know if the relationship they are in right now has a
future. You can press for this information too soon but you can also wait too
long to get the big question, clarified—is this person as into me as I am into
them? Can this relationship turn into a commitment? When you don’t get solid information
about commitment as things progress, you can miss important signs of asymmetrical commitment. That’s a lousy place to land.
What’s a good signal of commitment?
By good I mean that the signal is
valid. The signal reflects something about commitment; it's not mere noise. Some
of the characteristics of good signals of commitment or potential to have commitment
with a person are these:
1. The behavior is actually related to
something about commitment.
For example, I don’t imagine it
shocks anyone reading this that a desire of another person to have sex with you
doesn’t contain information about commitment. Some people believe it does but I
think of that as a type of “relationship reading dyslexia.”
Ditto if someone says, “I want to
make a baby with you” with no other evidence of commitment like, say, marriage.
An even worse indicator of commitment is if someone says to you, “I’d like you
to have my baby.” Hm. Context matters a lot here. It may sound silly to you but
this is, in fact, a relatively common behavior in some teenager groups, where some
males say some version of this to females they are interested in, and some females
may be flattered and impressed, and, well, don’t be falling for that. Even in
these examples, it would be a lot more impressive if someone said, “I want to
raise a child with you.” That statement contains a much greater amount of
information, especially if it’s accurate. It gets at the essence of commitment,
which is about wanting and planning a future together.
Cohabitation is popular, of
course, on the dating/seeking/mating scene. However, cohabitation is not a
reliable signal of commitment but, as I wrote in another piece, other things are:
If a couple
tells you that they are married, you know a lot about their commitment. That
does not mean that all is perfect, of course. Likewise, if a couple tells you
that they have clear, mutual plans to marry, you can infer there is a lot of
commitment. Even apart from marriage, I believe that a couple who says they
have a lifetime commitment together is telling you something important about a
strong level of intention and commitment. Those things all signal commitment.
Cohabitation, per se, very often does not. (As a very complex but important
aside, I do think the socioeconomic context of some couples makes marriage
nearly impossible economically; for some of these couples, I believe
cohabitation can be a marker of a higher level of commitment.)
2. The behavior is under the control of the one doing
it—whatever it is.
For behavior to have meaning
about commitment, it must be behavior that the person has control over
performing. For example, a shotgun wedding has less information in it about the
commitment level of the participants than other weddings because the choice is already constrained.
Similarly, as I described in a prior post, “I love you” contains less information about commitment if it’s in the context of a hormonal rush of chemicals—when the chemistry is driving the bus. Chemistry is fun but it’s not a great bus driver, and some relationships are windy mountain roads without guardrails.
Similarly, as I described in a prior post, “I love you” contains less information about commitment if it’s in the context of a hormonal rush of chemicals—when the chemistry is driving the bus. Chemistry is fun but it’s not a great bus driver, and some relationships are windy mountain roads without guardrails.
Signals contain more
information when a person has options. When you have more options to choose
among, what you pick tells me more about who you are. When a person has diminished options, what he or she chooses
contains less information about true preferences.
Think about buying toilet paper
in 7-11. I’m not even sure they have it, but let’s suppose they do. It will be
one brand, and in one roll quantities, and it will likely cost you 4 bucks a
roll. 7-11 is a great chain of stores
but they excel at convenience not low price or variety (except for pop and
candy bars and such. They are my “go to” supplier of Junior Mints.). What does
this mean? If you badly need a roll of toilet paper (not so badly that you are
just heading for a restroom, if they have a public one), you’ll take what they
have and forego your desire to get the Charmin Ultra Soft you might normally
prefer. You’ll take the individually wrapped roll of Scott’s. (Which, at the
risk of over-sharing, is a great brand and my favorite.)
How does this apply to dating and
mating? Anything that constrains your options, or your partner’s, limits the
information contained in the choices made. That means that some people are
routinely misinterpreting the behavior of their partners, and thinking that
something may signal commitment when it does not. It also means that some
couples who have been together a while with an unclear future, who also have the
constraints that come with living together, will have difficulty accurately reading the commitment in each other about a future, together.
3. Small sacrifices can be good signals
of commitment.
By sacrifice, I don’t really mean
some extraordinary feat of self-sacrifice of one for the other. Of course that
would matter but I really mean small, day-to-day indicators that a person is
willing to put their partner or the relationship first. And I mean mutual. A
healthy relationship includes two givers who are each give to the other and the
relationship in small ways that matter.
If you are seeing someone and
considering a future, ask yourself if you see evidence that they can put aside
what they want at times for what is best for you.
There are a number of studies on
sacrifice in intimate relationships, and I make no attempt to cover that
literature here and now. But scholars have found and argued that some types of
sacrificial behavior are reliable indicators of commitment.[i]
Here are some examples:
Your
partner will change his or her schedule at times for you.
Your
partner will do fun things that you know he or she does not like as much as you
do.
Your
partner shows up early to help you get ready for some big event.
Your
partner stops what he or she is doing to tune into something that’s stressing
you.
You get the idea. Of course, it’s
just as important to do such things for your partner, but I’m focused here on
you being able to read this person’s level of commitment to you.
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| Bigstock Photos |
As an example showing just the opposite—and
quite clearly—of insufficient commitment, I vividly recall a little scene of a
young couple in an airport. I was on a layover when I overheard their argument.
I wasn’t eavesdropping as much as they were talking loud enough that I could
not help but notice. The tension was about her wanting to dress warmer for the flight
and him wanting her to stay dressed just as she was. She was in quite short
shorts and some type of sleeveless, very light shirt. She didn’t want to be
cold on the flight.
I don’t know about you, but I
hate those flights where the plane is cold and I don’t have anything with
sleeves to put on. Well, she apparently does, too. But he didn’t want her to
put more clothes on. I cannot read minds but I could only guess that his motive
was that he liked how she looked and he liked how he looked being with her
looking that way. I was not impressed by him, and I hoped she would figure out
before it was too late what her life with him might look like. Cold.
Sometimes the best signal is the
one that clearly shows that something is missing.
If you are searching for lasting love, challenge yourself to be on the look-out for signals of love and commitment that mean something. For some of you, it would be wise to ask trusted friends or family what they see and what would count for them. Love can sometimes be blind.
[i]
e.g., Wieselquist,
J., Rusbult, C. E., Foster, C. A., & Agnew, C. R. (1999). Commitment, pro-relationship
behavior, and trust in close relationships. Journal
of Personality and Social Psychology, 77, 942-966.; Stanley, S. M.,
Whitton, S. W., Low, S. M., Clements, M. L., & Markman, H. J. (2006).
Sacrifice as a predictor of marital outcomes. Family Process, 45, 289-303.
[Updated 7-5-17 from a piece first posted May 26th, 2012.]
