by Scott Stanley and Galena Rhoades
With some couples, one partner is substantially more committed than the other. We call these Asymmetrically Committed Relationships (ACRs). No one who is looking for lasting love wants to find themselves in an ACR but we suspect it has become increasingly easy to land in one. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Relationship scholars have long been fascinated by the implications of ACRs, though only a handful of studies examine the characteristics of these relationships.[i]
This finding was reminiscent of a few earlier studies, including some from decades ago, that examined differential levels of investment, love, or commitment between partners.[xiv] We knew to test for this but we were not sure how strongly to expect this finding, in this day and age. Overall, women’s levels of commitment were vastly more predictive than men’s levels of who stayed together and who did not (five times more predictive). In part, we think this means that there are some men (by no means all or most) who are content to hang out with a woman they are not really serious about until that woman gets fed up.
With some couples, one partner is substantially more committed than the other. We call these Asymmetrically Committed Relationships (ACRs). No one who is looking for lasting love wants to find themselves in an ACR but we suspect it has become increasingly easy to land in one. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Commitment and Power
Relationship scholars have long been fascinated by the implications of ACRs, though only a handful of studies examine the characteristics of these relationships.[i]
Decades ago, sociologist Peter Blau wrote at length about
differential investment in a relationship. Below is a classic quote from his
1964 book.
“If one lover is considerably more
involved than the other, his greater commitment invites exploitation or
provokes feelings of entrapment, both of which obliterate love.”[ii]
Decades before Blau wrote, Willard Waller coined the
relatively well-known “principle of least interest” about power in
relationships. This new principle was influenced by writings of sociologist,
Edward Ross.[iii] Waller wrote:
‘‘That person is able to dictate
the conditions of association whose interest in the continuation of the affair
is least.’’[iv]
The principles Waller and Ross wrote about obviously hold
for any relationship, whether romantic, family, or business. In the social
science literature focused on the nature of commitment, the same themes emerge.[v]
The person who is most committed to a relationship continuing has, in some important
ways, less power than the one who cares less—especially if that partner could
not care less. Blau drew attention to the nature of these relationships by
putting them squarely into the framework of commitment, noting how differential
commitment can obliterate love, as large differences in power often do.
In a new study entitled Asymmetrically Committed Relationships,[vi]
we along with our colleagues examined asymmetrical commitment in the
relationships of unmarried, young adults.
Our study
For our study, we used a subsample of 315 couples in our national,
longitudinal sample of dating and cohabiting young adults in opposite-sex relationships
ages 18 to 34.[vii] This sample allowed us
to directly compare partners’ ratings on commitment (how dedicated one is to
the future, to being a couple, etc.). We defined ACRs as those in which the
partners differed by 1 standard deviation or more; thus, relationships were
either ACRs or not, and within ACRs, there is a weak-link and strong-link
partner.[viii]
This assured that couples we were analyzing as having ACRs had an, arguably, important
difference in partner levels of commitment. To get a feel for this, for a couple where the average of the two partners was, well, average, but with one high and one low, this would be
like the strong link scoring at the 69th percentile on commitment while
the weak link scores at the 31st.
Our sample is of couples who were generally in established
but unmarried relationships who were together an average of just over two years
at the start of the longitudinal study. Forty-one percent were living together
and 59% were not. There was a mutual commitment to marry in 47% of the
relationships. In 24% of the relationships, one or both partners had a child
from a prior relationship and 13% had a child together.
What did we find regarding the numbers of asymmetrical
relationships?
- 65% of relationships were mutually committed and 35% were not.
- Men were much more likely to be the weak link than women (23% vs. 12%).
Before taking in some other findings, let’s reflect. Say you
are considering marrying someone but you believe they are less committed to you
than you are to them. You may or may not marry this person but, if you do, you do
not want to count on a trip to the alter to fix the gap in commitment. As we
like to say, transition is not transformation.
In our work on premarital cohabitation, we have tested the
prediction that that moving in together before
marriage or engagement is riskier than waiting until after that big question
about commitment to the future is settled. Our concern has been that people
risk getting stuck in relationships they might otherwise have left because
cohabitation made it that much harder to break up.[x]
We have found support for that prediction in many samples with findings
published in multiple journal articles.[xi]
Based on the reasoning behind that prediction, we predicted that those who were
currently cohabiting would be more likely to be in ACRs because living together
would have made it more likely for these relationships to have continued. That is
what we found.
- Couples who were living together were significantly more likely (42%) to be in ACRs compared to those who were not living together (30%).
Similarly, we expected that those with plans for marriage
would be substantially less likely to be in ACRs.
- Couples with mutual plans to marry were significantly less likely (25%) to be in ACRs compared to those without mutual plans (45%).
That last finding must seem terribly obvious, but we were
interested in it because of our belief that ambiguity about the nature and
status of relationships has become such a strong part of how relationships form
these days. Having mutual plans for
marriage should be consistent with partners having both high and symmetrical commitment.
Even so, we found this non-trivial percentage (25%) of relationships that were
ACRs despite mutual plans for marriage. You might wonder how that could happen.
Much of what we just wrote about cohabiting prior to being married or, at
least, prior to having mutual clarity to a future together provides one
explanation.
The relationship
dynamics of asymmetrical commitment
We also looked at the relationship quality of ACRs versus
non-ACRs. Both weak- and strong-link partners rated their
relationships as having lower overall quality and as having higher levels of
conflict and higher levels of aggression[xii]
compared to those not in ACRs.
We found evidence that weak links’ ratings of poor
relationship quality could easily be attributed to the fact of their low
commitment, which makes total sense. First, people will be less committed to
relationship that have problems. Second, relationships will have more problems
when people are less committed. The strong links’ patterns were more surprising.
Typically, being highly committed leads to greater inhibition of negative
behavior and happier relationships, but not for strong links. They tended to
score very high on commitment (higher on average even than those not in ACRs),
but they also reported lower relationship quality, more conflict, and more
aggression—including aggression toward their partners.
These findings are consistent with what theorists such as Blau
had long suggested: it is immensely dissatisfying and frustrating to be the
more committed partner in an unequally committed relationship. That’s not a
happy place to be. In fact, in a report we wrote a couple of years ago (Before “I Do”), we showed that those
who had perceived, prior to marrying, that they were more committed than their partner
reported lower marital quality.[xiii]
The perception of asymmetrical commitment was among the best predictors of lower
marital quality once married.
Break Ups
Not surprisingly, ACRs were more likely than mutually-committed
relationships to break up. But, curiously, ACRs in which men were the weak
links were just as likely to continue as non-ACRs. In other words, relationships
were not likely to end merely because the man was much less committed than the
woman. The relationships most likely to end were those in which the woman was
the weak link.
This finding was reminiscent of a few earlier studies, including some from decades ago, that examined differential levels of investment, love, or commitment between partners.[xiv] We knew to test for this but we were not sure how strongly to expect this finding, in this day and age. Overall, women’s levels of commitment were vastly more predictive than men’s levels of who stayed together and who did not (five times more predictive). In part, we think this means that there are some men (by no means all or most) who are content to hang out with a woman they are not really serious about until that woman gets fed up.
Are there more
asymmetrically committed relationships than ever before?
We believe that asymmetrically committed relationships are
more common now than anytime in the past 50 years. We cannot test or prove this
by any data of which we are aware, but we believe this because of the following
reasoning:
- There has been a steady decline in cultural rituals and defined steps in the development of romantic relationships. Ambiguity reigns.
- There is a growing preference for this ambiguity because people fear rejection and fear that commitment is dangerous.
- Important relationship transitions, such as moving in together or having a child together, now increasingly happen more from processes characterized by sliding than deciding. Deciding more often will reflect the formation and declaration of commitment.
- This environment of mixed or confusing signals makes it easier than before to get deeply involved in—and stuck in—ACRs.
All this presents a difficult set of circumstances for many
young adults. Sure, it’s not usually too wise to ask about your partner’s willingness
to build a life with you on a second date (and we hesitate to use the word
“date” since even that concept has fallen under the spell of ambiguity.[xv])
But when the inertia for continuing a relationship is growing, it starts to be increasingly
risky to avoid steps to determine if you both are on the same page.
A word of advice. If you are searching for lasting love and
commitment, do not wait too long to get things clear about if you and your
partner want the same future. We cannot say exactly how long you should know
someone before pushing for more clarity about commitment; we just know a lot of
people are waiting too long. And, as they wait, the less committed partner has strong
reasons to avoid having “the talk” (want more on that? here
and here).
It’s painful to be hanging in with someone who is mostly
just hanging around.
[i]
You can read much more about the literature on this notion in our new paper.
See endnote VI below.
[ii]
Page 84 in Blau, P. M. (1964). Exchange and power in social life. New York, NY:
Wiley.
[iii]
Ross, E. A. (1921). Principles of sociology. New York, NY: Century.
[iv] The principle of least interest: see Page 191 in Waller, W. (1938). The family: A dynamic interpretation. New York,
NY: Gordon.
[v]
For a review, see Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Whitton, S. W. (2010).
Commitment: Functions, formation, and the securing of romantic attachment. Journal
of Family Theory and Review, 2, 243-257.
[vii]
The parent sample well reflects the demographics and characteristics of young
adults in this age range in the U.S. One paper that describes the sample and
methods of the parent study is this one: Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., &
Markman, H. J. (2012). The impact of the transition to cohabitation on relationship
functioning: Cross-sectional and longitudinal findings. Journal of Family
Psychology, 26(3), 348 - 358.
[viii]
To our knowledge, the language of “weak links” and “strong links” was first
used by Attridge et al.: Attridge, M., Berscheid, E., & Simpson, J. A.
(1995). Predicting relationship stability from both partners versus one. Journal of Personality
and Social Psychology, 69, 254-268.
[ix]
Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J. (2006). Pre-engagement
cohabitation and gender asymmetry in marital commitment. Journal of Family
Psychology, 20, 553-560.
[x]
For the original, main piece on this assertion, see the following article. What
we predicted there has been demonstrated now in a variety of empirical studies:
Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sliding vs.
Deciding: Inertia and the premarital cohabitation effect. Family
Relations, 55, 499-509. You can read this manuscript in word document form here.
[xi]
All findings controlling for variables associated with selection: e.g., Kline,
G. H., Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., Olmos-Gallo, P. A., St. Peters, M.,
Whitton, S. W., & Prado, L. (2004). Timing is everything: Pre-engagement
cohabitation and increased risk for poor marital outcomes. Journal
of Family Psychology, 18, 311-318.; Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., &
Markman, H. J. (2009). The pre-engagement cohabitation effect: A replication
and extension of previous findings. Journal of Family
Psychology, 23, 107-111.; Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., Amato, P. R.,
Markman, H. J., & Johnson, C. A. (2010). The timing of cohabitation and
engagement: Impact on first and second marriages. Journal
of Marriage and Family, 72, 906-918.
[xii]
In survey studies using general samples such as this one, the type of violence
in the relationships will mostly not be what people think about when they think
of battering, or domestic violence shelters; instead, it will be what
researchers now well understand to be the relatively common aggression found in
the relationships of young adults who have difficulties managing conflict and regulating
negative emotions. This is a complex subject far beyond our purposes here but
we wish to make clear what is measured in this type of survey study.
[xiii]
This report is also based on a subsample of our national, longitudinal study of
sample of unmarried young adults, whom we followed longitudinally for 5 years.
[xiv]
For example, Hill, C. T., Rubin, Z., & Peplau, L. A. (1976). Breakups
before marriage: The end of 103 affairs. Journal
of Social Issues, 32, 147-168.; Sprecher, S., Schmeeckle, M., &
Felmlee, D. (2006). The principle of
least interest: Inequality in emotional
involvement in romantic relationships. Journal of Family
Issues, 27(9), 1255-1280.