By Scott M. Stanley & Galena K. Rhoades
In our recent report for the National Marriage Project (Before “I Do”: What do Premarital Experiences have to do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults?), we focused on how relationship
history before marriage relates to marital quality. We examined the history of relationships
that came before the relationship with the eventual spouse and premarital experiences
with the eventual spouse. For example, having more sexual partners, having
cohabited with partners other than the spouse, or having children from prior
relationships were all associated, on average, with lower marital quality later
on. Further, those who had child with their eventual spouse before marriage,
reported that their relationship began by hooking up, or who said they slid
into living with their eventual spouse (if they cohabited premaritally at all),
also reported lower marital quality.
While there is no end to controversy about the implications
of such findings, these findings were really not controversial themselves.
There is a history of similar findings as well as strong reasons why such
variables will be related to marital outcomes—including selection but also the consequential
impacts of the actual behaviors.[i]
Wedding Guests: Does
the Number Matter?
In the Before I Do
report, we presented an analysis that was, to our knowledge, totally new in
this field. In our national, longitudinal sample, we had asked those who got
married how many people attended their wedding. We didn’t ask this on a lark. We
asked because of a strong theory for why those having more attendees at their
weddings might have an edge in marriage.
Those who reported having more guests at their wedding reported,
on average, higher levels of marital quality—even when we controlled for
factors such as education, religiosity, race, and income. While we controlled
for individual income, we didn’t have measures of other possibly important
variables to control for such as the cost of the weddings, parental wealth and contributions
to the wedding, or a straightforward indicator of the size of the couples’ social
network. So, caveat emptor. (If you want to read more on the technical issue of
included and unmeasured variables, see one of the follow-up pieces we wrote that was posted here at the Institute for Family Studies.)
Here’s some of what we said about this finding in our report.
This section describes the strong theory that may explain, at least in part, the
association between wedding attendance and marital quality.
There is some reason to believe
that having more witnesses at a wedding may actually strengthen marital
quality. According to the work of psychologist Charles Kiesler (1971),
commitment is strengthened when it is publicly declared because individuals
strive to maintain consistency between what they say and what they do.
We try to keep our present
attitudes and behaviors in line with our past conduct. The desire for
consistency is likely enhanced by public expressions of intention. Social
scientist Paul Rosenblatt applied this idea specifically to marriage
(Rosenblatt, 1977). He theorized that, early in a marriage, marital stability
and commitment would be positively associated with the ceremonial effort and
public nature of a couple’s wedding. Rosenblatt specifically suggested that
holding a big wedding with many witnesses would lead to a stronger desire—or
even need—to follow through on the commitment.
Our findings suggest that he may
have been right. Nevertheless, it is also important to keep in mind that because
these questions about weddings have received so little attention in prior
studies and because only a small percentage of respondents reported not having
a wedding, these findings should be tested in other samples.
This is why we asked the question in the first place. Despite
the strength of this idea (and its overlap with clear findings in the study of
cognitive dissonance), one of the best alternative explanations was that the
cost of a wedding might better explain marital outcomes than the number of
guests. After all, couples with more economic resources tend to have many
advantages in life and marriage. But we did not have the cost of the wedding in
our national data set, so we could not analyze it.
Wedding Guests and Wedding Costs
Thanks to a social psychologist Samantha Joel, who is, like
us, is interested in relationship decision making, we came across a study that
looks at the number of guests people had at their wedding but also other
variables such as the cost of weddings. Economists Andrew Francis and Hugo Mialon of Emory University examined how expenses
related to getting married (the cost of weddings and engagement rings) and a
host of other variables—including the number of guests—were associated with the
likelihood of divorce. They examined a
different outcome than we did, divorce not marital quality, but you can see the
overlap.
Some of what Francis and Mialon found is complex. Overall, while
controlling for a host of variables, they found that spending more money on
rings and weddings was not associated with more stable marriages. In fact,
those who spent the most on their weddings ($20,000 or more) were, on average,
at greater risk for divorce. The economists speculate about why this could be,
and they further examine factors such as the stress a large debt from an
expensive wedding might place on a marriage.
Here’s the part we zeroed in on. In a variety of analyses
(some without controls and some with a large number of control
variables—including wedding costs), Francis and Mialon found that higher
wedding attendance was associated with lower odds of divorce. Although the findings
related to costs of weddings and rings had shown complicated patterns, the
pattern related to number of guests was always in the same direction and always
clear.
We think this one line from Francis and Mialon’s paper best
exemplifies their overall findings: “Thus, the evidence suggests that the types
of weddings associated with lower likelihood of divorce are those that are
relatively inexpensive but are high in attendance.”
Within a few months’ time, the field has gone from no
findings (that we know of) related to the wedding attendance to two reports showing
consistent results. There are surely many possible explanations, including some
we will to try to investigate further in the future, but this second study
seems to rule out one explanation we were most concerned about when interpreting
our own finding—the cost of the wedding.
Can I get a Witness?
Some couples planning a life together do not want a wedding
or may want one that is very modest with just close friends and family
attending. Personal preferences matter a lot in all of this. Surely, what we
are talking about here is just one small part of the overall puzzle of how a
couple might build a life together. Many other things matter and matter more, but
let’s say you are open to some tips on the size and scope of your wedding. Here
are some thoughts.
First, don’t break the bank when getting married. Many young
adults have debts already, and may do more harm by taking on further debt with
an expensive wedding. It is unfortunate that the image so many now have is of
lavish, costly weddings. This wild expectation puts weddings out of reach for those
with fewer means and adds greater burdens to parents, brides, and grooms for
those with more.
Second, it may be worth finding ways to prioritize the
network of friends of family you have, and inviting them to be guests at your
wedding. The benefits of having more witnesses at your wedding may come from
both the psychological consequences of making a very public declaration of
commitment (which should increase follow through) and from having more friends
and family who see your relationship as something to rally around, root for,
and support.
Third, for couples who do not have a strong network of
friends or family, think about how you might build one. We don’t mean trying to
do this just in time for your wedding. We mean doing this over time for your
marriage. When it’s possible (and we know it is not always realistic), building
a friendship with another couple or getting involved in some community group
together might be just the thing to start building a network of support and
connection around your marriage.
If you like the idea of a big, expensive wedding, can well
afford it, and it won’t cause a lot of additional stress, sure. Knock yourself
out. But the power of the thing is far more likely to lie in the connections and
the commitment than in the lavishness of the spectacle. Building social capital
trumps burning economic capital. Prioritize your social network, not the duck
canapés.
[This piece was first posted on the blog of the Institute for Family Studies in December, 2014.]
[This piece was first posted on the blog of the Institute for Family Studies in December, 2014.]
