I’ve got something new and different for you in this post (and
the next). I want to introduce you to Craig Knippenberg. I have long known and admired him and his
team because of the innovative, social-development training they do with
children. He is widely known around Colorado for this work that he and his team
do to help children thrive and learn social awareness and skills. What I will present here is a little
background on Craig Knippenberg and an interview I recently did with him. In
addition to that interview, Craig and his team have recently produced some
videos on YouTube that you can access for free and watch. If you know a parent
or someone who works with children and families, check all this out. I think you will appreciate these ideas. (I
especially love how he uses the characters from Winnie the Pooh to teach
concepts to children and parents!)
Craig is a child and family therapist and pastoral counselor
here in Denver. He and his staff have been facilitating social, emotional and
self-esteem development groups for children and teens for over thirty-three
years; this model of social skills groups has been perfected and has helped
bring him success. This is one of the things that I have most admired about
Craig and his group. I am delighted to introduce you to their work and some of
the thinking. (I have no financial
involvement here. I just really believe in what these folks do, which is why
I’m posting about it here.)
Craig and his team recently produced a series of videos on
the “social brain” and Craig is currently writing a book entitled: Will
You Be My Friend? Understanding Your Child’s Social Brain Into Young Adulthood.
The videos are available now on YouTube & craigknippenberg.com, and the
book is expected before too long. Check out the videos (maybe after you read
the interview below!).
Craig and I recently sat down and talked about his work, and
what follows here are some outtakes from our talks.
Part I
Question #1: Why did
you want to make a brain based video and book?
There are several
reasons Scott. First, my job as a child/adolescent therapist is to understand
what is driving a child’s social/emotional difficulties. When I look at these
difficulties from a brain-based perspective, it gives me great insight into why
things are happening and then guides my decision making for more precise
interventions. Second, my ultimate therapy goal is to help the children
themselves understand why they act and feel the way they do, and then use this
insight for longer term behavioral change and responsibility taking. Finally,
as a parent myself, understanding why my kids act the way they do, at each
stage of development, helps my patience and my creative problem solving around
discipline issues. In 1st grade, it might mean being more patient when
addressing why focused attention is so difficult; in 6th grade it
might mean understanding the dramatic increase in pre-teen social and emotional
behavior, while in 12th grade it might mean appreciating the
fundamental drives for peer connection and family separation.
This same process of
understanding is also very applicable in work with couples, Scott. Rather than
reacting toward one’s spouse, you are trying to help couples slow down, think
about and empathize with what is truly happening within themselves and their
partner, and then handle things in a calm, insightful manner.
Ultimately, I want
this book and video project to help parents and educators understand
children/teens’ “social brains” in a way that is simple and easy to comprehend.
While there are many brain-based books on the market for parents, most are too
difficult to understand; even for me! Will
You Be My Friend? however, puts the brain in easy-to-understand terms,
stories and pictures. So easy in fact, that each chapter includes activities
for parents to do with their kids so that their children themselves can share
the same vocabulary and insights.
Question #2: Tell us more what you mean by “social brain”
As you know Scott, our
brains are incredibly complex and sophisticated. So, no, there isn’t one area
of the brain that governs our social actions and relationships. There are
however, three main areas of our brain that, when combined together, give you a
good snapshot at how our social and emotional personalities are wired.
Question #3: Ok, tell
us about this part of the brain you call the “President”.
If you have a class of
children tap their foreheads, you can then start telling them how the very
front part is in charge of the rest of the brain. Quite literally, it is this
frontal lobe that is in charge of what psychologists call “Executive
Functioning”. Or, as I like to tell students, it is their “President”. Those
very presidential skills include skills like paying attention, organization,
working memory, time management and the very important social skill of
controlling one’s impulses. Starting in preschool, that President really starts
to grow and carry out those functions in a very basic manner. As children
mature, you see massive changes in Presidential Functioning during the teen
years and then a settling in of a more mature President in young adulthood; almost
like a 2nd term President.
Question #4: I love how you use the characters from Winnie
the Pooh to illustrate your points. What does Winnie the Pooh have to do with
kids and their emotions?
In my mind,
everything! While I don’t know if Mr. Milne had this in mind when writing his
stories, using his characters is a very easy way for children to understand
their emotions and how each of us is born with an emotional temperament. Some
children handle life’s stresses like Pooh does. They have an “oh bother”
response, followed by a quest for the silver lining in whatever the problem is
(i.e.: “There must be honey somewhere near here.”). Other children may be prone
to anxiety like Piglet, anger like Rabbit, or sadness like Eyore. In a class
full of children, you will see these different temperaments come out. And, of
course, they come out within any one child over time and situations. Then of
course, there are the Tiggers of the world who see excitement and fun in just
about everything. As one student yelled out while jumping up in his chair: “I’m
a Tigger!” When parents understand their son or daughters temperament, they can
create an environment that will help him or her flourish. More importantly, is
the ability of children to understand themselves emotionally and then take
responsibility for managing their own non-Pooh responses.
Another easy way to
conceptualize our emotions is to think of a coal burning furnace in a factory.
Located in the base of the brain, this factory produces the many neurochemicals
which circulate throughout our brains and bodies to produce the rainbow of
emotions which humans experience. The furnace drives their production. When we
are feeling relaxed and content, it glows and warms us like an electric blanket
on a cold winter morning. In times of stress, the furnace cranks up and floods
us with emotions like fear and frustration (like when you see your child
heading out on their bike with no helmet on). Obviously, we need all our
emotions and a furnace that can be regulated. Going back to Winnie the Pooh,
some children have Pooh at the control’s that keeps the furnace glowing at an
even temperature. Other children have Rabbit or Piglet at the controls. They
crank up the furnace at the slightest perception of stress and often have a
hard time turning it back down.
#5 How do kids learn to understand each other’s emotions and
non-verbal social cues?
Try a game of
emotional charades with your kids. Tell them a feeling, and have them make the
face for the game. Then explain to your child how facial expressions cause a
region of the social brain I call the Mirror to respond. Your brain sees their
facial expressions and then recreates them in the right side of your brain.
These “mirror neurons” pretend that they are making the exact same face as your
child is making and then your brain figures out what feeling you would be
having if you were making that face. Once that system starts developing, it
goes through several phases of growth which help children/teens more understand
in a more sophisticated manner what others are thinking and feeling just by
scanning the people around them. These amazing mirroring skills are what allow
us to notice friendship opportunities and then form trusting, intimate
relationships. For your marital couples, it’s what allows them to recognize
each other’s emotions, feel deep empathy, and then respond in an appropriately
supportive manner. Adults who have more limited social processing skills (such
as found with the Autism Spectrum Disorders) have a much more difficult time
developing these deeper relationships. They have trouble decoding what’s
obvious to others, which is why some people have said they are sometimes “clueless.”
* * *
I will continue with this brief interview with Craig
Knippenberg in my next posting. Stay
tuned. And check out the videos at those links above.
